[stares at you with insanity in my eyes]

ok this is basically gonna be a blog section now. bordering on a diary tbh!

AAAAAAAGGGHH FUUUUUCK! what is there to talk about. i barely ever leave the house, getting out of bed is the hardest thing i do every day, and it's hard to keep hope about my planned move to washington when i can't find a job. in case you're a lucky duck who is blissfully unaware, the job market is absolute ass right now. i've been seeing posts from people who have applied to hundreds or even thousands of jobs without actually securing one, and i'm nowhere close to those numbers. i spent most of last year avoiding applying for any at all, my anxiety too crippling and my beliefs hopeless; i couldn't gather the motivation to sit through another 45 minute long questionnaire of shit that is honestly inaccessible to me as an autistic person. on god, the post office job application must have asked me if i need people to tell me what they're feeling or if i can just tell at least 5 times with different wording.

i'm trying to get out more, and my current method of getting myself out of the house is that i signed up for a ymca membership. did y'all know those mfers are fifty bucks a month these days? anyways i'm attending "restorative pilates" twice a week, hoping to increase my joint mobility and strength. maybe if i get in good enough shape that it doesn't hurt to hold my body up for more than 10 minutes at a time it'll clean away some of my hesitation with manual labor jobs. the hesistation hasn't kept me from applying for them, by the by. you can't do anything with a bachelor's in psych (i knew this) so i don't have the luxury of choice. all that being said, $50 a month isn't cheap and my cell payments just started back up so i absolutely need to work doordash at least once or twice a month to stay even. hopefully my tax return can give me some cushion, too.

circling back to the move...um! american politics are so fuckin scary lol! the texas governor is saying some civil war ass shit and other southern states are backing him up. i'm not in texas anymore, but i'm still in the south, so this could affect me directly. not to mention the presidential election this fall. every few weeks my mother brings up that i need to be prepared to flee the country and go to canada where my girlfriend is if trump gets elected again. i kinda roll my eyes at her for it, but that project 2025 shit is not promising. at the very least, i'll go for a few weeks after the inaguration to make sure the country doesn't collapse. even if trump doesn't win, i won't be happy. i really really dislike genocide joe and i don't know if i have the stomach for "vote blue no matter who" this year. there is no lesser of the two evils, just one that affects me more than the other. i've seen people say that biden only does what he has to and he's working for peace in the background and i honestly don't know how someone could delude themselves into believing in that. frankly, it won't be all bad if america collapses. in the long term (depending on what replaces it) it may even be a positive. the US holds way too much power over the rest of the world.

what do you do when you know how to lessen your issues, but can't bring yourself to do it? i've been considering it a flavor of self-sabotage. i should be back in therapy, but i feel like the answers they'll give me will just amount to a nicer version of "you just have to do it," as has been the case with my last several. i have tried every possible method to get out of bed and none of it helps. i know how to think positively and shift my perspective but it just feels fake and forced. i quit weed on new years with a plan to start back up on 4/20; i was hoping that the time off would be a good tolerance break to get me back to less frequent use, but it's been a month now and i still crave it every day; not sure if i could find a therapist who is cannabis positive enough to be okay with limited use rather than quitting. clearly if i'm this depressed and anxious all the time i probably need to see a psychiatrist for a meds adjustment, but i'm afraid changing my med regimen could be the wrong jenga block to pull out of the tower of my psyche. i've also basically shunned my spiritual practice, and i know i should be doing shadow work. lucifer is shockingly patient, but i fear i've really gotten on his nerves by now (i could be projecting). i can't even remember the last time i did a tarot reading, let alone one that i felt connected to.

i'm just burnt the fuck out, you guys. the anhedonia is kicking my ass and there's no end in sight.

bonus meme!